Somos Iguales

Pórtate perra... o sé buena....
Convéncete de la existencia de Dios.. o niégalo...
Píntate los ojos de negro o camina elegante subida en tacones que no te van....
Pero quieres lo mismo... y siéntes lo mismo que las demás perdidas adictas al control que hay afuera...

llamadas "mujeres".

Fuma todo lo que puedas... o maldice con la boca que rezas.
Miente, juega a dos bandos.... o sé el fiel  ex novio.
Ama a tu mismo sexo... o define tus gustos a lo comúnmente denominado como normal...
Escudo o no....
Testículos.. o no....
Puños o zarcillos.....pero queremos lo mismo.

Y te aguantas por que hemos sido crueles.
Te sobras de soecidad por que eres aceptado.
Te embriagas entre el humo y los dorados sorbos por que eres ignorante
Y no sabes amar, por que no te ha interesado la lección.

Es mejor que nos hinque los talones desprevenidos...
Es mejor que ser mordidos...
Mil veces más aliviante que compartir un secreto... es aprender que la vida es una mala versión del cielo, en donde todos somos forasteros de distintos universos que no poseen entre ellos, conexión.

Llámalo injusticia... pelea por tu vida...
Mata, hurta, escupe y llora...
Acepta...

Estamos perdidos... y somos lo mismo...
Por que nos une la debilidad por el sexo, cada uno en su sexo...
Y la poca voluntad de perfección.

Hemos creado dioses...
Nos hemos hecho altares..
Nos congelamos en la más promiscua promesa de amor, líneas baratas...
Dinero.. trabajo... estúpida poción para el alma..
Créelo todo... y déjame vivir...

Cose alas y fuera de aquí!!

Nuinca me ha gustado la condescendencia....

Pues no poco he sido herida y me ha sido difícil limar las garras..
He pecado con inocencia y mi mente reproduce alucionaciones de gratis..
Todos somos buenos...
Todos entendemos el valor de la vida...
Todos pueden cambiar....

Todos seremos salvos de nuestra propia conscupicencia....

Promesas... que neciamente lucho por creer aunque el mundo me grite lo contario.

Tercamente me arraigo los talones a tierra infértil cuando todos los demás, se regocijan en haber abierto los ojos.
El amor eterno no existe.
El existir no fue por amor.
Somos producto de una noche de tragos en el cielo, y eso justifica nuestro imperfecto proceder...
Cuanto más habrán de creer...

Pero somos iguales...

Niegalo cuanto quieras.
Somos iguales... y eventualemente nos veremos en aquella línea horizontal, recta como la mirada que desea...
No habrán manos que nos salven...
No hay humano superior al pobre ser que duerme en las veredas.
Vacíos adentro... vacíos afuera...

Y yo...?...

Me ha gustado sentarme en medio de la miseria y comentar en susurros lo que a nadie le gusta oír.

If I must begin with a phrase for this blog, the chosen one would be:
"Dear V-log...:
It has been such a great day"
To my surprise, today I got to spend the entire day with my father like I usually want to, but hardly ever get. We went shopping for clothes for my new job, which I forgot to mention and will very soon after I finish with this small introduction.
We walked around and got to exchange meanigless opinions on how I looked, bonding even more... and adding numbers to the bill he already had in mind to pay. It was more than fun. Of course, now and then he would concentrate on the phone, talking perhaps with some lady he dates behind his current female partner's back.. or maybe it was just a friend, and it was only innocent talk.
I like to think it was the other lady behind the small screen. Makes me feel like everything's still normal, my father's still my father... and I still got a reason to pray. Otherwise I'd probably get too carried away in emotion, thinking he finally changed, he will soon return to my mother and my life couldn't be better or else it would be perfect, and by the time I think about the word "perfect", the dream would be over, and I.. once again, would be hurt.
Back in the dressing room, while I thought about all of this, I finished trying on my second shirt, selected by my father, and it did fit me well enough to make me smile at the reflexion thinking I'm finally dressing close to what my sister dresses like.
Can't say I love the elegant, semi-casual look, but I gotta give it to her, she makes me want to dress that way, only because it looks good on her. I guess it probably looks good on me too, I'm tall, skinny and careless. I think I match the requirements for it.
Of course, depending on the moment.
I'm a trend-setter. Will not settle for what fashion dictates. But sometimes I will...
And no, you can't shoot me in  the face for it.

I take a little peek to see what my father's doing before I open the door. He's not there.
So I just  settle for my own opinion on how I look and come out for the next piece. By the time my belly started to complain, I was at grandma's. She cries easily when she remembers bad stuff. But she stops crying as easy.
I got to see my aunt, cousin, uncles and had a nice chinese lunch with them. Tomorrow Is my first day at work. Agency is called Vertice.. (vertex). I was hired as a graphic designer and I will be taking on the accounts that they were handling, working side to side with one of the owners and hopefully learning enough to make me feel more confident about my design.
All I pray is that I'm up to their standards.
Tomorrow I meet the entire crew officially...
whoever reads this... pray for me so that they like me! and that I get nicely settled :)

I still haven't got my cactus.. I will in short.
I need to see if it's a safe environment there for him :)...
He will whisper the ideas!!!
Just kidding....
All I can say is, Im glad God listened to my prayers...
For those who have a hard time keeping faith alive, don't worry, I struggle too, we all do things that make us feel unworthy of a love like God has for us, but don't ever let your mistakes keep you from walking ahead to your perfection.

God says in the bible that once we loose the chance to do a greater good, that chance is lost forever, you cannot change it. Just arise and do the nex thing.

Next thing: Now stand and don't sin again. Don't give up.. not until you get what you want =)

BAD WORKING HOURS, ZERO SLEEP AND STRESS... HERE I COME! <3<3<3<3

You're a mortal so read it...

I get to read the titles of a lot of blogs before I even decide to write mine.
Something about pets with names of alcoholic drinks, I guess now everything's allowed... I also get to read about differences between words and their meaning. The old unforgettable VENT blog that this man I read a while ago likes to keep up to date, the restless romantic freak with the erotic poems.. and then it's me.

Hardly ever writing, almost never coming up with an idea for a title... like just now.
I guess for me, first things come first. Let out what you got in mind, think about a title later. Or maybe I'm just not organized at all, have poor writing skills and the meaning for the phrase "step by step" is yet unknown to me.
I am not easy to handle that's for sure. Nor I can handle people EVER.
But one thing I get told often is... "I can talk to you about anything"

Am I a good listener?...
Have I proven this unaware and in spite of my own harsh believe of a bad temper and unwillingness to tolerate everyone and everything?...
When I have to think of it... I might agree just a little.
I enjoy asking questions.
I guess my curiosity for mankind is far too strong and great to be understood or satisfied. I begin from small questions that come off strong, and finish in grandiloquent statements and sometimes judgements that have gotten me in trouble when the mind of my receptor is weak, insecure and uncapable of criticism...

Or maybe I'm just rude.
I am rude....
I can be.

So what?.... Like I care. I watch my evey move way too much and give myself the sort of attention you give to your frog on science class...
Why not be rude once in a while?....
I can tell myself  "face it, you don't have it in your to try and hurt someone out of nowhere".... But I am no better, I think I already have, even when I'm not trying.
And when I do realize... it's always late to say I'm sorry. Or pride comes to play if my ego has been scratched in the least... or my vanity has been affected.
Humans are just so complicated... self-centered and stupid.
We will argue cause we can, we will betray cause the other side looked greener, we will be rude cause we thought it was necessary and will apply rules and punishments to people or friends out of our own judgement, which is based on our own laws... for which all of us are aliens among eachother... and of course.. this causes anger, resentfulness and the ending of a long time relationship, whichever this may be.

All my analysis for what?...
I'm not changing one thing. Just because I talk to strangers and care for them, for no logical reason, it doesn't make me better.
If I should be honest... brutally honest.. I love dearly, I hope and I dream with a sword on the left hand while my right hand strokes my hair and makes me feel calm. This means.. I'm ready to wake up cause deep inside, I know I'm dreaming. I know half of the things I hope for are potentially impossible...and truth is... I might just loose my faith in the end.....
Not caring who's looking...

Why am I thinking about all of these?....I guess I'm only taking a little of everyone, still trying to find out what the right mix is... for a human to be what they are....and to understand more of the why's and how's of their behavior.
I'm just another labrat.. like my strangers...
Like my friends and even my family.
Maybe I'm just as cold as everyone else... and I haven't realized that this caring being, this self-less woman who is always trying to make guests feel like home, is the dream of the monster I really am.

I don't need to be too cruel... nor too mean. It only takes a drop of selfishness, a small thought of absorving someone else's thoughts and create a non so harmful judgement to make me like the rest....
To make me human...

To become the mortal I know I am... and to come to terms with my nature.

But I will confess something....
I am content with this reality.. the unreal one, or the real halfway dreamed reality I might've created for my mind and myself to be able to be ok in this world.
I like listening... I like asking questions..... I like helping and I like loving mindlessly as usual....

And I hope for the best... I long for the dreamy fantasy and I do sometimes, wish upon a star like every foolish, naive and depressive middle age woman would do if she was drunk one night, after 2 years of her divorce, on a Valentine's... kids married and all she's got is a big house and a glass of whiskey in her hand.

Life is so weird....
But I've heard weird is the new beautiful....

I guess then... we all are gorgeous creatures to behold... and ready ..
so ready to be broken.

I am able to write again... so something must be good.

I took it bravely and didn't cry.
I felt it coming in and I didn't even blink.
Yes... keep telling yourself until you believe it. I am not that strong nor do I wish such strength. I love my unspoken vulnerability and the unnoticeable modesty that comes with it, one I can't even begin to tell, or feel.

It's hidden, even from me, the worst judge of all of my friends, and those who say they love me...
I am so sad and lonely I could laugh at this moment just to pretend to my reflexion that I am, my perspective of myself, and not the woman we all know. The unhappy never content woman who screams for a drop of music from the little box I was supposed to have....the one I had a long time ago...when I could still call myself innocent.

Making new friends, so much like me.
Talking to strangers, dazzling them... so much like that sparkle in my personality I can only show when nobody's looking straight at me.
Making right all the wrongs in his mouth, listening once again to another story when my hungry sense of curiosity asks for it.... claims for a new subject for these lines that live only from others... and other's effects on me, yet not one single them says anything about what they did for me, or could've done.....

I don't dare to dream nor fantasize about such kindness..
Though this last man, this very last breather did mention his appreciation towards my feelings...
He hasn't vanished yet, not yet.... not quite yet....
Not before he knows a little more and maybe considers asking a few more questions....

I know he can be curious...
But then what?....
I am curious too.... but then what? I ask again....
What comes from that state of mind?, what comes from our words and our flattering arrows?
I have found no achievement in giving....
Cause I am left with nothing usually...
But somehow I always give nevertheless, I do, and I guess I will continue to until there's nothing left of me....
I will keep searching, waiting or learning....until I run out of words, expressions, smiles or hands to hold...

My tricky head is no miracle...
nor this mind or the thoughts in it are wonders drawn on the walls of my skull...
I wish I wouldn't think so much about the odds and the people in them...
I wish I had just one minute of rest...

One long dream on his light arms.... Morpheus.. my long lost friend....
where are you when I need you... cruel state, loving sweet horrible numb state!.....longed..state of mind...

I miss you...

and the hours of calm, without blinks within the darkness of my room...
without the breathing of my peaceful mother, who shows off her sleeping skills....whereas I, lay awake and miserable beholding the image of what I desire but I cannot have....

I can't sleep...

I just can't... and It's showing on my face, I'm aging of boredom and restless mind.
I am not achieving my goal....

I can't touch my soul... I cannot put it at ease...
I can't sing to it, nor can I speak to my mind and silence its voice...
I can't hold my heart and warm it from this breezes I feel...like dagers...

Who can stop me from being who I am?...
I'm such a danger to myself..

Me and this nutshell....

Me and the men who praise me... but know me very little...

Me and the unfinished businesses.....

Me and my lack of sleep...

But hey... I'm writing again.... so something must be good.
Though I am restless...and it's late to be awake...
Though I'm none worth the time spent...

I am able to write again... so something must be good.